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[Mar. 19th, 2006|09:38 pm] |
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. life is pretty hectic right now.
Im sure you all know, but my mom bought a puppy last saturday
I get to meet her when I go home for spring break on thursday the 23rd.
Even though I'm not a dog person, I'm kinda excited to meet her.
I think I might take a break from relationships for a while.
I feel like I'm losing site of who I am.
I always try to make everyone else happy.
I forgot what makes me happy.
I don't know what I want.
I've been stressing. Matt has been talking to me recently, and still really loves me I guess.
The positives of both matt and dave:
When I hang out with him I feel, idk, like I'm free- like I'm crazy, and lively and full of energy.
When I'm with Dave, I feel safe. I feel loved. I know I can count on him.
The negatives:
With Matt, The only consistent aspect out of our relationship is that its so up and down. we break up, we get back together, we break up, we get back together. its like a rollercoaster.
With dave, I feel like im 40 and married. Im not ready for that.
My head is about to explode, trying to sort out my feelings.
So I think I may just need time to myself.
any input? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2006|02:51 pm] |
Happy birthday Rach! I love you.
I miss you girls. Pretty much a whole lot.
Im getting sick of classes, and papers, and tests. blah.
cant it just be summer yet?
i've been confused lately.
really confused. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2006|07:54 pm] |
I love you girls.
I just wish I could make everything okay for all of us.
Or even if things aren't okay, I just wish we'd be close enough to hug when we needed to.
Life is full of ups and downs, and I feel like since I left for college its just been a constand landslide bringing me down. Just like Kaylee, Im questioning if this is right for me. If Fred. is right for me, if I really wanna deal with crazy people my whole life by doing psych.
I got so depressed thursday night because my friend emily forgot about me and went out with some of ther other friends (but really she thought i said i was going out with my cousin thursday, but i really went out with my cousin friday..so it was just a mishap) It was pathetic. I literally just sat at my computer and cried. Thats not like me, normally if I was home, if someone didnt invite me somewhere I wouldnt care cuz Id have other people to do something with..it just wasnt a big deal to me. And now I feel like Im crazy and I hate it. I hate depending on only a couple people to hang out iwth me. And I know it would be a lot different if I lived in my friends building, cuz that way wed have to interact everyday...but still its hard to take into consideration all of the outside factors that are making me so alone, and not blame myself, becuase all I feel is alone, so I assume theres something wrong wtih me.
Anyway, last night I went out...it was a good time, Im feeling a little better than I was last week..
But I still really wish I could remeber what its like to be happy. REALLY happy.
I might come home this weekend, the 24th-26th cuz its little siblings weekend here, and you cant go into anyone elses dorms, or have ne one visit you unless they are your siblings...and i dont really wanna be sitting in my room all weekend. But idk, cuz im going home the first weekend in march for stacys bday, and I dont know if I should go home 2 weekends in a row...it would be nice tho.
Well Im gunna get to some homework.
I really do miss you all. And I could really use a movie night at kaylees in my spot on that fold out bed thing pushed up against the couch....with a bowl of her moms special ice cream.
that would be nice. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2006|10:33 pm] |
This week. sucked. I'm tired, I'm sick of taking exams everyday, I'm just tired.
I can't stop thinking either. If this is where I'm suppoesed to be.
It's already gotten better. But then there are nights like these where I feel completely alone.
Why can't I just really find my niche.
Why couldn't I just have one of you here with me.
I just missed being loved. REALLY being loved.
I can't stop thinking about Dave. And WHY i haven't felt that complete and utter feeling of infatuation with him. You know that feeling, where the world just stops, and nothing else matters but that moment, or that kiss, or the way you felt when he touched you. I haven't felt that since matt. I only felt it with matt. And then it started to fade towards the end of our relationship.
I just don't want life to be like this. Living just because I have to. Waking up each morning, and trying to find one reason to get by. To finish the day. My mom tells me this year has taught me something, what it's like to be alone, and how to get by. How to still make it, when you feel like you don't have a thing.
Well when will it end?
I'm so scared, that I'll never be happy again. That I'll never feel the way I did before, when I had my friends, my family, and someone that I LOVED, and would do anything for.
Don't get me wrong, I know I still have you guys. I have my family. And I have Dave. But it's not the same. And I don't feel the same.
It's like we just live our lives for that one moment. And I still remeber it clearly. When I think about love, I think about listening to minus the bear, drinking, making love, and waking up in white cotton sheets, with Matt by myside. Yea its weird. But i remeber that day, like it was yesterday.
And sometimes I think I'd be better of just forgetting. Cuz then I wouldn't know what I'd be missing out on.
And don't think I'm saying I want to be with Matt. I just...want to feel the way I FELT when I was with him. Thats what i miss. And I'm scared because I haven't felt that in a long time. I wish that I could love Dave the way he loves me. I just haven't been able to yet. And who knows maybe with time, I will. Or maybe, I'm just waisting time to try to run away from the memories.
I don't know.
But I remeber a time when I did know myself.
And I think its ironic, that im here in college, trying to get an education to pursue what I want to do, to become mature. This is a time, where you know yourself.
And I have no idea who I am.
I'm sorry for getting all depressed.
I wish all these thoughts would go away. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|11:24 pm] |
why am i so indecisive?
someone. decide the way my life should go for me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 14th, 2006|01:09 pm] |
oh ps. i really have to pooooop and the cleaning lady WONT LEAVE THE BATHROOM
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 14th, 2006|12:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Iron and Wine | ] |
oooh valentines day-sooo overrated.
but this year i actually celebrated it, by my lonesome in fredonia. haha
i wore pink and red! and handed out sweethearts to my friends here. I was pretty much cupid today.
I really wish i had remebered to buy stamps so i could send you all something! Im sorry loves.
But I hope youre all having an excellent day. I get to celebrate by taking 2 exams, and studying for more tomorrow.... fun! But anyways, I miss you all so much. I keep looking back at my high school pictures, and I just smile everytime I do. we were all so perfect together. and we still are. :-*
I went home last weekend, got to see dave, stacy, rachel, and joelle for a little bit, hal and I were supposed to get our noses pierced/fixed...but im retarded and screwed up when i thought she was workin. So we're gunna do that MARCH 3rd. RIGHT HAL? I got to eat a garbabe plate, and had a turkey dinner on staurday to celebrate my grandparents 54th anniversary. I saw nanny mcfee at the movie theatre too, it was good! Also, my hair is shorter than hell. Incase you didnt know.
The next 2 weeks of school are going to suck, i have so many tests/quizzes/papers....and next weekend there is no campus innervisitation (meaning i cant have ne one in my room or go in anyones room after 9pm) bc its little siblings weekend. Its going to suck. Im going to die of bordum. I wish I had my car so I could leave...but itll be alright ill just do hw. Im goin home the weekend after that anyway.
Well i gotta go finish studying
Love you guys
(oh and p.s. after this week, 9 weeks of school left...for me at least) whoop!
Amanda |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2006|10:55 pm] |
Sometimes I get bored of the same routine
The same food
The same 4 walls in my dorm
the same creepy ass roomate
going out on the weekends
going to class during the week
living in a town with one martins and one fashion bug
and a run down movie theatre.
Dontget me wrong this semester is A lot better than the last
but I just am wondering if Ill ever really be happy here?
Blah,
I just need variety in my life
I get to go home feb 10th. I need it after being here for a month |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2006|10:53 pm] |
My dad's getting surgery tomorrow on his spine. Hes already had like 5 back surgeries..this one is serious. My uncle from florida flew up to be with him. My dad signed papers saying he wants to die if he becomes paralyzed/a vegetable.
Im praying he doesnt die. And I kinda wish I was with him in the hospital. Despite how much I feel like I hate him...Theres still so much I want to fix... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 22nd, 2006|06:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Appleseed Cast | ] |
Hey lovies
Second semester here we come..
I dont know if you've noticed but we have made such a big change in our lives, and we're actually making it by. Despite all the nights I spent crying, and alone, I'm proud of my self. Even though I didnt just hit it off as soon as I got here. Im still proud.
This is my first week here...starting the second one tomorrow,my classes are a little tougher than last time but I'm already so much happier here than last semester. I'm determined to just meet people, and get out of that mind set that I'm not worth it. Obviously I must be worth something if I have friends like you, and a guy like dave.I went to a couple parties this weekend and talked to a lot of people...it was fun. I had fun. Its gunna be hard but I just have to keep my chin up despite how alone I feel sometimes.
This always shows up in my sisters profile, so I printed it and stuck it to my dorm room wall:
Chin up beautiful, itll be alright
wipe away the tears
from the pain felt tonight
life will get better the pain, it will fade
whose who are worth it wont leave you betrayed
chin up beautiful itll all be alright
youll be stronger now because of tonight.
Idk, I just liked it.
I miss you all so much...Summer is just around the corner..
Only 15ish more weeks of school and we'll be back home, and back with eachother.
And lets make it a point to hang out more than we did on Christmas break
I dont care if we are busy, you're a priority to me, I dont want to stop feeling the way I do when we all see eacother
I love you guys and best of luck this semester |
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